Thoughts On Being A Mom…

The hardest job I have ever had is being a mom…

I was reading an article today about being a mom, written by a young mother, who was just  trying to figure it all out, getting ready to bring baby number 2 home and I started to think about my own journey as a mom, and my kids…. two of which are grown (both in their 20’s) and my teenager who is a Jr in high school and of course still lives at home… Being a new mom is exciting and exhausting but so is being a mom at this stage of the game, it’s just different and as I was thinking about what it was like I was reminded of something I read recently that fit my thoughts perfectly…

“Despite the warnings (and they’re everywhere, all the time) you can’t feel the truth of a situation until you’re looking backward, moving away from what was. ” 

Feeling woefully unprepared for the hardest, most important job of my life is how I felt when I became a mom for the first time and again for the second… I became a mom for the third time differently; he was just 12 months old when I chose to be his mom by marrying his dad, not my child by birth, but mine all the same. Children do not come with “owner’s manuals” we don’t take a course, get a practice kid…   (even though many of us with more than one child think about that in humor when we screw up… like ” Whew,  good thing we have a spare.. lol” but not really. )  we aren’t graded or tested to know if we have what it takes to be a good parent and as you are being discharged from the hospital it hits you… You see the nurse, who you just know that if she really knew how terrified and unprepared you were she would never trust you with such a big job, but  instead she hands you this adorable, fragile little boy who looks like you and tells you to take him home… Wait, What… ???

So you go and you try and hope that you won’t screw them up or that you at least make enough money to send them to a good therapist later…

Excited and scared you  begin to figure it out,  the sleepless nights, childproofing everything but still they get hurt,  and big firsts, like sleeping through the night, first steps, first words, ( which you secretly hope is mom) then it’s his first day of school, riding a bike with no training wheels, the scrapped knees,  and every little moment that  follows… Time simply passes, life goes on and soon it’s reports cards, sports schedules, Jr. High dances, and the list goes on and you don’t  even realize until they are grown, it’s those moments, those memories that  you will miss, the ones that make you cry.

You watch them grow, they become independent, they make friends, they find that first love and then their first heartbreak, and they start to make dreams of their own which makes you proud and sad all at the same time.

Then, somehow it happens, you watch them walk across the stage in the High School gymnasium in a cap and gown, and as you clap and smile he looks for you, like he did when he was little and you remember all those ” unremarkable” moments, things that didn’t seem “picture worthy” , things that didn’t go in the baby book, things like when he was little and you tucked him in at night and you would always say.to him. ” Do you know how much I love you?”… and he says back… “To the moon and back mom” and then with a kiss and a hug you say.. “That’s right,  to the moon and back”    and that’s when the tears come, when you wish that you would have taken more pictures, hugged him more often, and  held his hand a little longer back when he used to let you..

My best job, my most important job has been to be a good mom to all of my children, I know I screwed a few things up, well maybe more than a few, but I did the best I could, I tried.  No one really warns you , or maybe I just never listened but It isn’t until they are ready to leave you, until they are grown and that part of your life is almost over that you realize just how much you love them and how your arms feel empty and your heart breaks from wanting just a little more time where they need you  because if you have done the job correctly, your child no longer needs to hold your hand and he walks away, on to the next big thing in his life, whatever that may be.

Now I know that I will always be their mother and I will always have a place in their hearts but no matter how big they get, or how old they are, they are always going to be those little boys who were given to me and all I can do is hope that I did a good job…

I love you Mason, Austin & Ty… Our journey together has not been easy but I hope you have always known how much you are loved !

 

 

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