Understanding How I Got Here…

Long before the ATV accident that shattered my spine I had a life and unless you know me and my story you will never understand my journey…

I have been on this earth for 47 years and in that time I have seen my life change from what I thought it should be to what I never could have imagined with sad, joyous, crazy, happy, torturous and painful things in between.

Before I decided to get divorced I was struggling to make sense of the decisions I had made and the person I had become. I was 30, married with 2 kids working 2 jobs and so unhappy I wasn’t sure if there was a point to my life,  but I just knew there needed to be. I remember sitting at home with the kids while my husband was at work ( we worked opposite shifts so our kids wouldn’t have to be with a sitter too often) I fired up the computer , waited for the dialing sound and that amazing phrase  ” You’ve got mail”.   Yes… I had dial up and yes I had an AOL account. ( 20 years later I still do… no judging) . The internet was the key that helped me unlock the trauma from my past and it was the chat rooms that allowed me to make friends outside my rural bubble and helped me to identify why I never felt at peace with my life. I typed “Rape Survivor” in the search box and up came all of these choices so I joined a few and it was in those chat rooms that I first started to realize that many of my decisions had been made based on being sexually assaulted at age 16.

Date Rape… that’s what it is called now, but back in 1987 the only thing I knew was that it felt like it was my fault.  I was 16 and he was 19 and I liked him, he was cute and funny and I was new to dating so I trusted him. Dinner and a movie, I guess he felt that those 2 things entitle him to sex. It started out like most dates, I got ready after school and drove into town to meet him, it was exciting and we had a good time and although I was nervous since I had been on like 2 other dates in my life I didn’t think anything of it when after the movie we went back to his place, I mean after all my car was parked there so why would I. It was still early and he asked me to stay for a while so I did  and at first I liked it when he kissed me but then I didn’t and he wouldn’t stop. This was not how I had imagined my night would go, it was supposed to be fun , I like him and I thought he liked me too but he took something that wasn’t his to take and left me feeling dirty and ashamed. When you are young and you think about your first time you know that it is supposed to be exciting and clumsy and maybe a little awkward but always consensual; however, that wasn’t how it happened for me.

As I write this I can still see the room, remember how it smelled, and feel his hands on my arms holding me down and the weight of him on top of me. I kissed him yes, I went out with him yes and yes I went back to his place, but was that consent, did that give him permission, how did I not see that coming? I asked him to slow down as he put his hands on me in places I didn’t like, I asked him to stop as he went under my shirt to grab my breasts and I pushed back when he put his hand under my skirt,  he just kept going, he would not stop and he kept trying to kiss me, telling me to relax and that I was being a tease and I would like it if I would just relax… He was WRONG!

He didn’t see what he did as wrong, when he was finished I was in tears and he just smiled and said ‘ oh stop,  you know you liked it” and he even kissed me again as I was trying to pull myself together and leave. I got to my car and drove home in tears,asking myself ‘how did that happen”, why did he do that”. next came the guilt and shame that enveloped me and didn’t let go.

I got home and took a shower and I didn’t tell anyone, not for some time. I never reported it to the police, because I felt it was my fault and ashamed of my stupidity for putting myself in that situation. I didn’t tell my parents until I was going through a divorce as a 30 year old woman and even then comments made by my father implied it was my fault, re-enforcing that belief and the guilt that I shouldn’t  have gotten myself in that situation in the first place.

It was in those chat rooms that I realized so many of the decision I made that followed were a direct result of that assault, starting with my emotional eating that lead me to become morbidly obese, now I was never a tiny girl and I never will be but the irrational thought that food was my comfort became uncontrollable. I now know I had unconsciously decided that if I was fat no one would do that to me again, I would be safe. After that I didn’t date for some time and when I did it was groups things; however, I did eventually meet someone who I didn’t realize until much later, I was attracted to him for all the wrong reasons. After we had been dating for a while I did tell him about the rape and he appeared to be understanding and didn’t push the physical stuff , but eventually knowing that our relationship had progressed to the point where sex was almost inevitable… I had to get drunk to do it,  I was 17  and I remember thinking “I just need to get through it and then I will be fine”. We continued to date while I was in HS and married the spring following graduation but eventually I came to understand that our relationship wasn’t based on real love, ours wasn’t the kind you can’t live without, the kind you build your life around because you cant see yourself with anyone else, at least it wasn’t for me. The uncomfortable truth is that I thought I married him for love but in reality it was because I subconsciously knew he could never hurt me physically.

When I finally faced what had happened to me as a teenager I was able to see that  it was the marriage itself that was making me so unhappy, it wasn’t him , he hadn’t changed, he was still the same non confrontational, safe man I married. It was me who had changed, I had gotten stronger, I had faced my pain and decided I needed to focus on healing myself and that’s what I did. I changed how I ate, I exercised and lost about 200 lbs.  I was on a journey to find myself and that meant that I had to leave behind the pain , the guilt and the shame that had haunted me for so long.

Figuring out how to be happy eventually required me to be on my own, it meant leaving my husband , ending our 15 year relationship and changing the lives of my children forever, but I couldn’t stay trapped in the marriage any longer. The next steps were even harder than I thought they would be but it was happening, my husband and I separated, filed for divorce, shared custody of our children, I changed jobs and moved into a place of my own. I had never lived alone. I  had moved from my parent’s house to my husband’s house and soon after that I had 2 children. Being on my own for the very first time was exciting and terrifying at the same time. I soon realized that finding yourself, defining the person you want to be and the kind of life you want takes time, courage, space and tears. Although it was what I wanted and what I needed I was sad in the beginning, because I never hated my life or my husband, it wasn’t his fault I needed out, I just did.

My revelation developed over time and it was during that process I learned and accepted that I would never be at peace with who I am until I dealt with the demons that haunted me and for a long time defined me. Facing the truth can be overwhelming at first, but accepting that fact made the hard decisions a little easier.  Risking everything I took that first step on a new path alone and found I have a better understanding of my strength and a clearer picture of who I am and where I want to be.  pexels-photo-68272.jpeg

 

2 thoughts on “Understanding How I Got Here…

  1. Thank you for sharing this. Unfortunately the similarities are there for far too many women. It’s not something that many get past and are able to deal with. Most just bury and assume it was their fault forever. Even though the past can’t be changed or undone, it is crucial for their happiness that they at least can work through it and accept that it happened to them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope you shared this with others. Emotional recovery from a trauma can take years and it’s never truly complete , it seems we are remain a work in progress but it does get better. The scars never really go away they are just less visible .

      Like

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